Zippity-Do-Dah.

Just wanted to post this picture.  I'll be posting a few more tonight, more for my own documentation and enjoyment.

This was taken recently on another trip to Disneyland, at the entrance to California Adventure.  I've been cramming in as many trips as possible--thanks to my wonderful friend/D-land buddy, Jon--seeing as how Disneyland is an Orange County, CA, exclusive.

As my time left here in California quickly diminishes (two weeks left to go!), I find myself more and more referring to experiences as my "last."  And it kills me to think that there are so many things I always put off until later...spending the whole day at Amoeba, going to San Francisco, going to Sea World, having lots and lots of bonfires at the beach, going back to Lost Valley...I'm growing increasingly attached to a lot of experiences I've never had, all because I'm not sure I ever will.  At least, not for a long while.  The prospect of leaving and never returning has had a bittersweet effect, thus far: I'm realizing what I've taken for granted here, and I'm trying to appreciate what's left to savor.

It's safe to say I'm in transition.  It's definitely odd.  It's exciting, yes; it's scary, sure; but altogether, it's simply...uncertain.  And I'm unsure how I should feel about it all.

But I love this picture, and I love how it's me--in a surprising kind of way.

Let me out.

I should be asleep.  Truthfully, I should've been asleep a good four hours ago, at least.  But I'm just restless, again.  I'm anxious.

Tomorrow I'll be seeing a couple of former friends for what I think will be the very last time.  Still recovering from the course that everything took, I should be relieved--and I think at some point in the day, I will feel that way--but right now, I'm noticeably on edge.  It's not that I think something terrible will happen, or that I fear the awkward tension might be unbearable; rather, I think it's just how I always feel in situations such as this...

No matter what the occasion, if I've been unable to rectify a problem, I take it personally.  I get ill, my stomach turns, my mind races and tries to come up with witty responses in case a confrontation does indeed, occur--and I don't know why.  I shouldn't be upset about this.  I shouldn't be as torn up as I am.  I shouldn't care one bit.  But that's my problem: I always care, even when it seems I don't or probably shouldn't.

It never fails.

She moves like seabreeze.

I have a lot of thoughts and a couple of blog post ideas.
But right now, I just wanted to be positive.
To tell myself, "Hey, today is going to be great."  Whether I like it or not.

I know I have a lot going on and I am well aware of just how much it can get me down.   But today, I want to do my best to enjoy life.  I'm going to enjoy the day, enjoy my company, and be grateful for all the good things God has given me.

Even if it's as simple as the hope I have deep down in my heart.

Love and Be Well,
Megan

Let the walls have their say.

Well now that we just got all of that out of the way, let's go to Disneyland!

I just spent the last few hours spewing out eight different emotions through two different forms of communication.  I mean, really.  Right now I'm furious, sad, and a little bitter. 

I'm allowed to say whatever I want to say here, because this is my place.  This is my refuge, and I'll put whatever thoughts I have here, so long as I'm willing to type them out.  Not everything is up for discussion, no, but I don't have to hide my thoughts or my feelings from anyone.  Unless...I choose to.

I will most likely continue being cordial because that is what I feel is right.  I will most likely continue to have the perspective I do, because when compared to the other options, this still seems fit.  But if someone else would like to drag me through the mud JUST to end up in the same place I suggested we stay--only with a few more wounded egos and having gained unwanted information--count me the heck out.  I may not have all the answers, but the ones I possess have been thoroughly thought through.  Please.  I'm not an idiot, I'm just an avid blogger.

I think that in a few days, I'll find some good in this.  I'll be comforted by what nice things were said and what good intentions there were.  Yeah, I'm sure I will.  In all likelihood, I will go to Disneyland on Friday and watch World of Color like my world had never been drained of its own.  And we'll have fun.  And we'll be friends.  Possibly even good friends. 

But right now, I'm disappointed in this.  I'm hurt.  I'm relieved.  More than anything, I'm mad at you.
And I will make good on that threat to stab you with a dull object if you come near.

So just give me some time to cool; I think that's fair.  Okay?  Okay.  Thanks.

Catching A Tiger.

I really want this to leak now.  I don't feel like waiting two weeks, people!
I get the feeling this album is going to be my summer's soundtrack...and I'm okay with that.

I'm not a fan of apples, but you're the peach of my eye.

Today was rather lovely.  Jon and I went down to San Diego to see Paul Baribeau at the Che Cafe on the UCSD campus.  What's even more spectacular than seeing Mr. Baribeau is getting to see our friend Pedrito, too!  I wish there had been more time to hang out (and something to actually do) but it was great to see him and kind of catch up on things.  Pedrito gave me Dino-capsules, but they're essentially sponge fetuses that don't always like to be born the way it was intended.  But I'll do my best with my little, special dino-kin...

Some other quick things I'd like to mention:

• everyone should listen to Paul Baribeau, or else
• I wish I had a camera at the Che Cafe, I want to do a shoot there really badly
• I've decided to incorporate the words nuttuggers and tugnutters into my everyday expletive vocabulary
• things are seemingly getting better, emotionally--cool

Oh, and yesterday I got to help one of my dearest friends, Katie, celebrate her 22nd birthday.  We've been friends since the first week of high school, and we've been through a lot, a lot.  But no matter how much time we spend apart, we will always know each other better than anyone else.  And that's definitely something worth celebrating.

What do you have to celebrate?

Love and Be Well,
Megan

Did I mention?

One thing I'm mostly comforted by is the fact that my Mom got the house she wanted today.  Moving is official, and an awesome closet awaits me.  I'm looking forward to having wood floors.

I'm not sure about everything else, though I'm praying for the best.  I need it.

Go get your shovel.

I can't stand being told I can't do anything.  It fills me with disgust, pride, defeat, and anger, amongst other emotions.  But I think more than anything, I hate being told I didn't do something I did.  It doesn't just make me upset, it makes me feel utterly useless.  I have often struggled with feeling inferior, and I know that I've worked hard to achieve some great things in the past several years.  However, today, I don't know the difference.  I just feel down, and I'm not sure if I know how to get back up.

It's hard to explain myself when there's always a backstory to most circumstances in my life.  There's always a bigger picture that people never seem to really grasp.  And so oftentimes, I look like a floundering, blubbering idiot making poorly-constructed excuses.  I'm not lying, I'm not being overly defensive--but it tends to look that way regardless.

Just once I'd love to be able to be truly heard and accurately estimated.  I'm not as lost as I seem.  I've worked hard to accomplish everything I have, and I did a lot of it on my own.  Maybe it's not perfect, but it's all I've got.  Just because I'm having a rough time now doesn't mean I'm entirely incapable.  I assure you, I know more than you know.

At least, I'm pretty sure I do.  I know I did, once.

Slide it to the right and I roll.

Slow morning wake-ups.
Weekend plan confirmations.
Chore list (laundry, cleaning, organizing).

I've got phone calls to make, but all in due time.

I'm having too much fun listening to Jimmy Eat World with Shelby Mae.  Love me some friendship.

Like a diamond in the rough, I'll hide from you.

This is difficult.  This is easy. 
No, it's somewhere in between.
I think.  I think, I think.

Sometimes I'm not sure where I stand when we're talking.  I'm not sure if I'm being insulting just to be funny, or if it's because I'm not sure what friends do.  I get scared sometimes that this is all because we're falling back into our old habits, back into our cyclical behaviors that helped us meet our demise in the first place.  And that can't be too good, can it?  Then again, there were days--months, rather--where we didn't say anything at all.  So I'll take what small progresses we have.

Sometimes I hate it.  I hate you.  I hate the things that were said, the choices that were made, the feeling of being defeated and still feeling like it was deserved.  I hate it all.  And occasionally, when I look at you, or you say something a little too scathing, I'll be brought right back to all the destruction you helped to create in my life.  I'm brought right back to the place where I felt I couldn't do it anymore.  Where I let you down, and wasn't bothered by that fact.  Honestly, we both perpetuated so much hate against ourselves and one another, it makes me sick to reminisce upon.  My mind's forgotten a lot of the details, sure, but my heart's still reacting to everything that happened. 

Sometimes, I miss it.  I miss you.  I miss the ways we'd communicate, the ways we'd share everything with one another.  I'll hear a song and be reminded of you (and subsequently, avoid it thereafter), and find myself wishing that singing along didn't feel like such a fucking lie.  I'll even see random people wandering around a stupid theme park, holding hands, looking at each other, and it'll make me sad.  Sometimes I envision doing something absolutely absurd, like hugging you, just to see what you'd do.  Thankfully, I don't have the guts and I'm far too paranoid to pull that sort of shit.  I have to be content with the knowledge that I had all of that once, and I had it with you.  But not anymore.  I'm not even sure how you feel about me these days--and I'm not sure that you should even feel anything about me in all truthfulness.  I did some awful things, and I hope--well, I'm thinking--you've learned from them.

I know that I've learned from everything, but still, I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to be friends, though I am trying.
I'm sorry if I make things awkward, I'm sorry if I'm rude... All the things you might have once found endearing must resonate no better than an exposed nerve these days.

And I apologize for everything, again, always.  My part in things, at least.  Okay, no, all of it.  Fuck, I'm stubborn.  But I miss you, and I'm sure a part of me will always love you.  And I guess, I mean, I hope that somewhere, some part of you misses me too.  Or at the very least, can acknowledge that I'm not all horrid and at one point, was even charming.  But don't fret, I won't be counting on it.

Hopefully you understand why I don't talk about these things--I'm still not even sure of how I feel or what to say--and please, don't bring it up.  I know I tried to bring this up tonight, and in the past you've mentioned talking things through...but all the possible consequences I can think of for sorting through the past hardly seem worth the trouble.  You're one of the only friends I have left, and you're one of the best friends I've ever had.  I can't afford losing you again...

Besides, I'm leaving soon. And none of this will matter.
Everything is always all for the best.  Thanks for everything, really.  It likely means more than you know.

 


(Oh, and I don't think I ever showed you what I was supposed to receive in the mail that one time...this was for you.  I thought you would've loved it, but I think it's best you never got it.)

Love and please, Be Well,
Megan

Oh, I get lost in the thought of losing you.

Where's a better place to start than leaving everything behind?

It's pretty much the next chapter of my life.  In about five weeks or so--depending on the outcome of a few particulars--I will be moving from sunny California to [whatever the adjective] Utah.  Quite of few of my friends have responded to this news with, "What's in Utah?!?!" and to that I retort: I'm not too sure.

The truth is, my little brother and parental unit are now located in Salt Lake City.  I've struggled for the past several months with a number of life situations and I guess it all culminated into a giant mess complete with powers of defeat.  So, here I am--or rather, here I go.  Willingly, anxiously.

I'm leaving behind a place--a home--that I never thought I'd come to love.  For many a reason, I spent so much of my time here convincing myself that I couldn't stand it (and truthfully, there were a lot of times when I was right) but now, being forced to recollect, I see that it wasn't all bad.  Actually, I had some really fantastic times.  So here's a quick, abridged list of some things I'll miss:

• a great number of the people I've met, and all the good times we've shared
• going to a thousand concerts, all right around the corner
• the sound of the Pacific Ocean hitting the sand
• getting Lost in a specific Valley
• strange as it might sound, my tattoo shop (Aces High, Fullerton, CA, represent)
• the churches and places where I came to know God, for realsies
• almost-year-round sunshine
• and Disneyland, of course!

Quite honestly, I'm leaving behind more than I wish to account for right now.  A lot of loose ends, suffice it to say.  But it's important that I go, now, and see what's in store for me.  I'm hoping to take care of a few practical needs once I'm there: a job, a car, some classes, my own place again.  But I'm also anxious to begin a self-revival of sorts, one that involves a ridiculous amount of emotional and mental analysis, cleansing, and hopefully, improving.  I've made a lot of mistakes as of late, and I want to know that I've learned from them.  That being said, I've done a lot of great things here, too, and I'm looking to find a community of like-minded individuals willing to acknowledge both my stumbles and my strides.  Almost more than anything, I'm wishing to connect to my little brother more (he's now twelve) so I can be there in his self-forming next several years, regardless of the matter...

 I digress.  Who really knows what I'll encounter?  I sure don't.  But, Utah is my oyster.

And California, you've been a good home.

Love and Be Well,
Megan