Catching A Tiger.

I really want this to leak now.  I don't feel like waiting two weeks, people!
I get the feeling this album is going to be my summer's soundtrack...and I'm okay with that.

I'm not a fan of apples, but you're the peach of my eye.

Today was rather lovely.  Jon and I went down to San Diego to see Paul Baribeau at the Che Cafe on the UCSD campus.  What's even more spectacular than seeing Mr. Baribeau is getting to see our friend Pedrito, too!  I wish there had been more time to hang out (and something to actually do) but it was great to see him and kind of catch up on things.  Pedrito gave me Dino-capsules, but they're essentially sponge fetuses that don't always like to be born the way it was intended.  But I'll do my best with my little, special dino-kin...

Some other quick things I'd like to mention:

• everyone should listen to Paul Baribeau, or else
• I wish I had a camera at the Che Cafe, I want to do a shoot there really badly
• I've decided to incorporate the words nuttuggers and tugnutters into my everyday expletive vocabulary
• things are seemingly getting better, emotionally--cool

Oh, and yesterday I got to help one of my dearest friends, Katie, celebrate her 22nd birthday.  We've been friends since the first week of high school, and we've been through a lot, a lot.  But no matter how much time we spend apart, we will always know each other better than anyone else.  And that's definitely something worth celebrating.

What do you have to celebrate?

Love and Be Well,
Megan

Did I mention?

One thing I'm mostly comforted by is the fact that my Mom got the house she wanted today.  Moving is official, and an awesome closet awaits me.  I'm looking forward to having wood floors.

I'm not sure about everything else, though I'm praying for the best.  I need it.

Go get your shovel.

I can't stand being told I can't do anything.  It fills me with disgust, pride, defeat, and anger, amongst other emotions.  But I think more than anything, I hate being told I didn't do something I did.  It doesn't just make me upset, it makes me feel utterly useless.  I have often struggled with feeling inferior, and I know that I've worked hard to achieve some great things in the past several years.  However, today, I don't know the difference.  I just feel down, and I'm not sure if I know how to get back up.

It's hard to explain myself when there's always a backstory to most circumstances in my life.  There's always a bigger picture that people never seem to really grasp.  And so oftentimes, I look like a floundering, blubbering idiot making poorly-constructed excuses.  I'm not lying, I'm not being overly defensive--but it tends to look that way regardless.

Just once I'd love to be able to be truly heard and accurately estimated.  I'm not as lost as I seem.  I've worked hard to accomplish everything I have, and I did a lot of it on my own.  Maybe it's not perfect, but it's all I've got.  Just because I'm having a rough time now doesn't mean I'm entirely incapable.  I assure you, I know more than you know.

At least, I'm pretty sure I do.  I know I did, once.

Slide it to the right and I roll.

Slow morning wake-ups.
Weekend plan confirmations.
Chore list (laundry, cleaning, organizing).

I've got phone calls to make, but all in due time.

I'm having too much fun listening to Jimmy Eat World with Shelby Mae.  Love me some friendship.

Like a diamond in the rough, I'll hide from you.

This is difficult.  This is easy. 
No, it's somewhere in between.
I think.  I think, I think.

Sometimes I'm not sure where I stand when we're talking.  I'm not sure if I'm being insulting just to be funny, or if it's because I'm not sure what friends do.  I get scared sometimes that this is all because we're falling back into our old habits, back into our cyclical behaviors that helped us meet our demise in the first place.  And that can't be too good, can it?  Then again, there were days--months, rather--where we didn't say anything at all.  So I'll take what small progresses we have.

Sometimes I hate it.  I hate you.  I hate the things that were said, the choices that were made, the feeling of being defeated and still feeling like it was deserved.  I hate it all.  And occasionally, when I look at you, or you say something a little too scathing, I'll be brought right back to all the destruction you helped to create in my life.  I'm brought right back to the place where I felt I couldn't do it anymore.  Where I let you down, and wasn't bothered by that fact.  Honestly, we both perpetuated so much hate against ourselves and one another, it makes me sick to reminisce upon.  My mind's forgotten a lot of the details, sure, but my heart's still reacting to everything that happened. 

Sometimes, I miss it.  I miss you.  I miss the ways we'd communicate, the ways we'd share everything with one another.  I'll hear a song and be reminded of you (and subsequently, avoid it thereafter), and find myself wishing that singing along didn't feel like such a fucking lie.  I'll even see random people wandering around a stupid theme park, holding hands, looking at each other, and it'll make me sad.  Sometimes I envision doing something absolutely absurd, like hugging you, just to see what you'd do.  Thankfully, I don't have the guts and I'm far too paranoid to pull that sort of shit.  I have to be content with the knowledge that I had all of that once, and I had it with you.  But not anymore.  I'm not even sure how you feel about me these days--and I'm not sure that you should even feel anything about me in all truthfulness.  I did some awful things, and I hope--well, I'm thinking--you've learned from them.

I know that I've learned from everything, but still, I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to be friends, though I am trying.
I'm sorry if I make things awkward, I'm sorry if I'm rude... All the things you might have once found endearing must resonate no better than an exposed nerve these days.

And I apologize for everything, again, always.  My part in things, at least.  Okay, no, all of it.  Fuck, I'm stubborn.  But I miss you, and I'm sure a part of me will always love you.  And I guess, I mean, I hope that somewhere, some part of you misses me too.  Or at the very least, can acknowledge that I'm not all horrid and at one point, was even charming.  But don't fret, I won't be counting on it.

Hopefully you understand why I don't talk about these things--I'm still not even sure of how I feel or what to say--and please, don't bring it up.  I know I tried to bring this up tonight, and in the past you've mentioned talking things through...but all the possible consequences I can think of for sorting through the past hardly seem worth the trouble.  You're one of the only friends I have left, and you're one of the best friends I've ever had.  I can't afford losing you again...

Besides, I'm leaving soon. And none of this will matter.
Everything is always all for the best.  Thanks for everything, really.  It likely means more than you know.

 


(Oh, and I don't think I ever showed you what I was supposed to receive in the mail that one time...this was for you.  I thought you would've loved it, but I think it's best you never got it.)

Love and please, Be Well,
Megan

Oh, I get lost in the thought of losing you.

Where's a better place to start than leaving everything behind?

It's pretty much the next chapter of my life.  In about five weeks or so--depending on the outcome of a few particulars--I will be moving from sunny California to [whatever the adjective] Utah.  Quite of few of my friends have responded to this news with, "What's in Utah?!?!" and to that I retort: I'm not too sure.

The truth is, my little brother and parental unit are now located in Salt Lake City.  I've struggled for the past several months with a number of life situations and I guess it all culminated into a giant mess complete with powers of defeat.  So, here I am--or rather, here I go.  Willingly, anxiously.

I'm leaving behind a place--a home--that I never thought I'd come to love.  For many a reason, I spent so much of my time here convincing myself that I couldn't stand it (and truthfully, there were a lot of times when I was right) but now, being forced to recollect, I see that it wasn't all bad.  Actually, I had some really fantastic times.  So here's a quick, abridged list of some things I'll miss:

• a great number of the people I've met, and all the good times we've shared
• going to a thousand concerts, all right around the corner
• the sound of the Pacific Ocean hitting the sand
• getting Lost in a specific Valley
• strange as it might sound, my tattoo shop (Aces High, Fullerton, CA, represent)
• the churches and places where I came to know God, for realsies
• almost-year-round sunshine
• and Disneyland, of course!

Quite honestly, I'm leaving behind more than I wish to account for right now.  A lot of loose ends, suffice it to say.  But it's important that I go, now, and see what's in store for me.  I'm hoping to take care of a few practical needs once I'm there: a job, a car, some classes, my own place again.  But I'm also anxious to begin a self-revival of sorts, one that involves a ridiculous amount of emotional and mental analysis, cleansing, and hopefully, improving.  I've made a lot of mistakes as of late, and I want to know that I've learned from them.  That being said, I've done a lot of great things here, too, and I'm looking to find a community of like-minded individuals willing to acknowledge both my stumbles and my strides.  Almost more than anything, I'm wishing to connect to my little brother more (he's now twelve) so I can be there in his self-forming next several years, regardless of the matter...

 I digress.  Who really knows what I'll encounter?  I sure don't.  But, Utah is my oyster.

And California, you've been a good home.

Love and Be Well,
Megan