Let me out.

I should be asleep.  Truthfully, I should've been asleep a good four hours ago, at least.  But I'm just restless, again.  I'm anxious.

Tomorrow I'll be seeing a couple of former friends for what I think will be the very last time.  Still recovering from the course that everything took, I should be relieved--and I think at some point in the day, I will feel that way--but right now, I'm noticeably on edge.  It's not that I think something terrible will happen, or that I fear the awkward tension might be unbearable; rather, I think it's just how I always feel in situations such as this...

No matter what the occasion, if I've been unable to rectify a problem, I take it personally.  I get ill, my stomach turns, my mind races and tries to come up with witty responses in case a confrontation does indeed, occur--and I don't know why.  I shouldn't be upset about this.  I shouldn't be as torn up as I am.  I shouldn't care one bit.  But that's my problem: I always care, even when it seems I don't or probably shouldn't.

It never fails.

She moves like seabreeze.

I have a lot of thoughts and a couple of blog post ideas.
But right now, I just wanted to be positive.
To tell myself, "Hey, today is going to be great."  Whether I like it or not.

I know I have a lot going on and I am well aware of just how much it can get me down.   But today, I want to do my best to enjoy life.  I'm going to enjoy the day, enjoy my company, and be grateful for all the good things God has given me.

Even if it's as simple as the hope I have deep down in my heart.

Love and Be Well,
Megan

Let the walls have their say.

Well now that we just got all of that out of the way, let's go to Disneyland!

I just spent the last few hours spewing out eight different emotions through two different forms of communication.  I mean, really.  Right now I'm furious, sad, and a little bitter. 

I'm allowed to say whatever I want to say here, because this is my place.  This is my refuge, and I'll put whatever thoughts I have here, so long as I'm willing to type them out.  Not everything is up for discussion, no, but I don't have to hide my thoughts or my feelings from anyone.  Unless...I choose to.

I will most likely continue being cordial because that is what I feel is right.  I will most likely continue to have the perspective I do, because when compared to the other options, this still seems fit.  But if someone else would like to drag me through the mud JUST to end up in the same place I suggested we stay--only with a few more wounded egos and having gained unwanted information--count me the heck out.  I may not have all the answers, but the ones I possess have been thoroughly thought through.  Please.  I'm not an idiot, I'm just an avid blogger.

I think that in a few days, I'll find some good in this.  I'll be comforted by what nice things were said and what good intentions there were.  Yeah, I'm sure I will.  In all likelihood, I will go to Disneyland on Friday and watch World of Color like my world had never been drained of its own.  And we'll have fun.  And we'll be friends.  Possibly even good friends. 

But right now, I'm disappointed in this.  I'm hurt.  I'm relieved.  More than anything, I'm mad at you.
And I will make good on that threat to stab you with a dull object if you come near.

So just give me some time to cool; I think that's fair.  Okay?  Okay.  Thanks.

Catching A Tiger.

I really want this to leak now.  I don't feel like waiting two weeks, people!
I get the feeling this album is going to be my summer's soundtrack...and I'm okay with that.

I'm not a fan of apples, but you're the peach of my eye.

Today was rather lovely.  Jon and I went down to San Diego to see Paul Baribeau at the Che Cafe on the UCSD campus.  What's even more spectacular than seeing Mr. Baribeau is getting to see our friend Pedrito, too!  I wish there had been more time to hang out (and something to actually do) but it was great to see him and kind of catch up on things.  Pedrito gave me Dino-capsules, but they're essentially sponge fetuses that don't always like to be born the way it was intended.  But I'll do my best with my little, special dino-kin...

Some other quick things I'd like to mention:

• everyone should listen to Paul Baribeau, or else
• I wish I had a camera at the Che Cafe, I want to do a shoot there really badly
• I've decided to incorporate the words nuttuggers and tugnutters into my everyday expletive vocabulary
• things are seemingly getting better, emotionally--cool

Oh, and yesterday I got to help one of my dearest friends, Katie, celebrate her 22nd birthday.  We've been friends since the first week of high school, and we've been through a lot, a lot.  But no matter how much time we spend apart, we will always know each other better than anyone else.  And that's definitely something worth celebrating.

What do you have to celebrate?

Love and Be Well,
Megan

Did I mention?

One thing I'm mostly comforted by is the fact that my Mom got the house she wanted today.  Moving is official, and an awesome closet awaits me.  I'm looking forward to having wood floors.

I'm not sure about everything else, though I'm praying for the best.  I need it.

Go get your shovel.

I can't stand being told I can't do anything.  It fills me with disgust, pride, defeat, and anger, amongst other emotions.  But I think more than anything, I hate being told I didn't do something I did.  It doesn't just make me upset, it makes me feel utterly useless.  I have often struggled with feeling inferior, and I know that I've worked hard to achieve some great things in the past several years.  However, today, I don't know the difference.  I just feel down, and I'm not sure if I know how to get back up.

It's hard to explain myself when there's always a backstory to most circumstances in my life.  There's always a bigger picture that people never seem to really grasp.  And so oftentimes, I look like a floundering, blubbering idiot making poorly-constructed excuses.  I'm not lying, I'm not being overly defensive--but it tends to look that way regardless.

Just once I'd love to be able to be truly heard and accurately estimated.  I'm not as lost as I seem.  I've worked hard to accomplish everything I have, and I did a lot of it on my own.  Maybe it's not perfect, but it's all I've got.  Just because I'm having a rough time now doesn't mean I'm entirely incapable.  I assure you, I know more than you know.

At least, I'm pretty sure I do.  I know I did, once.